itsMYdivorce – Enabling YOU to take control of YOUR Divorce

Olivia (names have been changed) was referred to us by a life and parent coach who recognised her client needed help from someone who understood the divorce process. Olivia wasn't actually married but she had been with her ex-partner Paul for eight years and had a two year old daughter. She wrote to us:

"We have got to the stage in my coaching sessions where everything I now want to focus on is a formal separation with my ex-partner. We are now about to start a collaborative law process to agree financial arrangements and access but I am still finding it hard to come to terms that this is the end. I would very much like to go through your coaching process as I feel I cannot explain myself fully to lawyers etc when I have so many emotions going on."

Olivia's anxieties were exacerbated because they weren't married and the bulk of their financial assets were in her ex-partner's name. As a result she was worried about her ability to rehouse herself and her child and recognised the importance of agreeing a settlement amicably.

Divorce coach Kirsten Gronning spoke to Olivia on the phone and reassured her that she was making progress, though it may not seem like it to Olivia in the emotionally fraught position she was in. She had been in a very hard place for a while when she found out about her ex-partner's affair (which had been on-going for some time, despite his assurances to the contrary). We assured her she was being courageous by driving the settlement she needed in order to move on and we could certainly help her progress matters, specifically:

Afterwards Olivia wrote: "Our discussion helped me to talk to someone who actually understood where I was coming from because of their own personal experience. I felt more positive that the situation can be solved, even if it is still going to be a bit of a bumpy ride and I felt able to open up about my feelings on the split more than I probably do with friends as I want them to think I am being strong and getting on with it when in reality I’m not!"

The next week Kirsten and Olivia met face to face for one and a half hours. Olivia had, at Kirsten's suggestion, broken down the issues she needed to confront into the following areas:

These were some large issues and Kirsten suggested they were taken one by one. At the first meeting, discussion centred on ways to keep the communication going with Paul and not letting emotions interfere with that. The financial settlement was, as Olivia wrote ' largely dependent on what Paul would agree to' and if communication did break down (which it had done badly one recent night, when the police were called to deal with a domestic incident) her daughter may also suffer from her parent's inability to face one another.

We talked about giving herself some space when Paul called at the property to visit their daughter and how she might achieve this e.g. by going out at this time rather than hovering anxiously upstairs. She realised the importance of setting boundaries too and explaining to him when it was not convenient for him to cross the threshold. She had many ideas about how she could work full-time as a single parent and we helped raise her confidence about her ability to make the transition from full-time mum to single parent working full-time.

There were also issues around her ex-partner's girlfriend and the feelings she had about her daughter making her acquaintance; the betrayal she felt and her worries over the future for both her and her daughter if she was unable to contain her emotions and face her ex-partner. We discussed these over the coming weeks.

Olivia was well-supported by her collaborative family lawyer Fiona Read at Russell-Cooke solicitors and had full confidence in her ability to achieve a best possible settlement. The collaborative process works best when emotions are not allowed to interfere with the process of finding a solution for all the parties involved. But as the first meeting got nearer, Olivia became anxious about her fear of scuppering the whole collaborative process if she became emotional in their four-way meetings and had to leave.

By speaking over the telephone for an hour Olivia and Kirsten dug right down into this fear - where it was coming from, what would trigger it and what she could do to avoid feeling it. We duly let her solicitor know about the emotional trigger and agreed ways to deflect it in the meeting, if it became necessary e.g. by taking a break before it was too late. However, by simply facing up to the fear, when it came to it she knew she could cope as she had learnt to manage it and she coped fine.

We had another tele-coaching session before her second meeting. But this time she knew she could face Paul without breaking down and they reached agreement soon after in the third collaborative process meeting.

A few months later I caught up with Olivia again. She was dating again and in a full-time job and sounding very positive. This is what she wrote about how our divorce coaching services helped her.

Q: How was your experience with the collaborative law process?

A: "The collaborative process suited both myself and my ex partner as we had been able to maintain good communication despite our split. However, I still found it very emotional when we reached our final conclusion as it is finally shutting the door on that relationship. The big plus was that we were able to sort all our arrangements in just three meetings so avoided very large legal costs."

Q: How did divorce coaching help you?

A: " It enabled me to focus on the emotional upheaval I was going through and helped me deal with the stresses of having to sit opposite my ex partner during our mediation service with solicitors."

Q: Would you recommend our services to a friend in need?

A: "I think anyone going through a divorce/break up would benefit from divorce coaching and wouldn't hesitate to recommend this service."

Why not contact us now and tell us how we can help.